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Philosophy at its best.

Sometimes, when I look at my  children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'  

- Lillian  Carter (mother of  Billy and Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I  was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the  catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

-  Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was  the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her  sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-   Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to  have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close  together as possible.

-   George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

-  Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health  books. You may die of a misprint.

-  Mark Twain


By all means, marry If you get a  good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a  philosopher.

-  Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should  have asked for a jury.

-  Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in  her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-   Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to  give his diamonds back.

-  Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a  single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar  and fat.

-  Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a  cemetery, people would stop dying.

-  Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness ..  But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

-  Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my  name was SHUT UP .

-  Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel  anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap..

-  Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the  disgusting things that fish do in it.

-  W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging  process down if it had to work its way through Congress

-  Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding  temptation. As you grow older, it  will avoid you.

-  Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at  fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread  out.

-  Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to  watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-   Billy Crystal

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