Top 6 Affairs of the millenium

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The 1st Affair:

A  married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went  her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up  at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes  outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and  drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie  to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all  afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing  golf!"


The 2nd Affair:  

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a  son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.  

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The  joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified  at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way  I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled  sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:  

A  mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr.  Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the  largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the  mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive  private part. It must! be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it,  stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you  something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his  briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"  

The 4th Affair:  

A woman was  in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all  over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell  you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband  inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The  Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No  more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband  got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.  

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two  days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:  

A man walked  into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll  be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu  and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A  nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the  guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my  wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"  

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business  down here."

The 6th Affair:  

Jake was  dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have  something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife  replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your  sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I  know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."


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by Monika on Sep/27,2011 ( diamond user)

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